Dave's Long Lost Rant

By Dave Mast

I just spent the past 15 minutes typing you a response which magically disappeared. Trust me, it was a great one. One that I'll never be able to top.

It mentioned Thad Bosley, midgets breakdancing on dugout roofs, Cleveland Cheerleaders called the Girls Named Sioux, Mark Lemongello, Barry Bonds 113th home run ball, the man who went to bat with a toothpick, a thesis on what angle denotes the breaking point sending a good bunt into a great bunt, the vendor who has sold the most stadium dogs in Astros history, Peter Gabriel's failed attempt to become a Major League shortstop, A-Rod misinterpreting his contract and signing with the Dodgers for $10 for 250,000,000 years, Enos Cabell, a ponderance as to why superstitious major leaguers don't wear eye black for 16 straight days like they do underwear or socks, Rocko Scotty's attempt to remake the entire Yellow Submarine album, Gerlad Williams, famous triple plays which were turned 7-9-2-4-5, why surfers would make good managers, Tom Treblehorn's new book "One Brewed over the Cuckoo's Nest," the infamous Jeff D'Amico vs. John D'Aquisto debate, why the ghost of Frank Howard couldn't hit .220 in today's game, The day President Taft balked when throwing out the first pitch, Ned Yost, Larry Bowa's new book "The Boy Who Cried Randy Wolf," the fact that I am 100 percent sure that I found a small chunk of tar from George Brett's infamous tar-bat HR game in my driveway, Dave Chalk, 24 reasons why the Texas Rangers deserve to finish first in 2010, I have positive proof that John Denny was the second shooter in Dallas, I found an old record called "Bill Wegman Sings All Your Favorite Christmas hits," Rodney McCrae, an essay on why spider monkeys can't play baseball, a written affidavit of a man who truly believes he could have been Greg Swindell in another dimension of time and space, why the experiment to play games at 3 a.m. without lights failed, Larry Foote, the infamous boxing match between Mickey Lolich and a ball girl, Freddie Patek's top 10 tirades, a list of every six game hitting streak in MLB history, Jeff Juden, six tips to make anyone a more successful behind the plate" taunter, howto pick out the best cap in the souvenir stand, the real reason Manny Mota did not play in his seventh decade, the newest sports talk show, "Late At Night with Early Wynn," and finally, how I plan on sending Cooperstown a Coco Crisp spring training ball with a "%@" on it — against his wishes, of course.

Alas, all of that was lost when my message evaporated. You will, forever, not be the same having missed such an eclectic, stunning assortment of baseball truths, that will now and forever be hidden from baseball lore everywhere.